Attempt #3

“Hello! Take a seat”

“Okay. How are you?”

“I’m good. How are you?”

“I’m mad at the world”

“Why”

“Because it keeps catching on fire”

“Yeah, that must be stressful to have to deal with the product of someone else’s decisions. I was reading an article a couple days back. It was talking about how, “The fact that the earth's atmosphere cannot safely absorb the amount of carbon we are pumping into it is a symptom of a much larger crisis, one born of the central fiction on which our economic model is based: that nature is limitless, that we will always be able to find more of what we need, and that if something runs out, it can be seamlessly replaced by another source we can endlessly extract (Klein 79)”

“Yeah, and there are all these wildfires. It’s like every time I hear good news about the environment, I turn around and there’s another forest fire. “The last time there was this much carbon dioxide in the atmosphere, humans didn’t exist” (Klein 6).

But I guess it's only catching on fire because we’re heating it up. So, really, I’m mad at people. Some People don't even believe in what's happening, and others believe, but they aren't really doing anything. How can we not be doing everything in our power to save the planet we live on? And if not for the planet then for ourselves. What’s the plan? to go to some other planet, not learn our lesson, and then kill that planet too? We are the virus.”

“Many times, people look for a short term pay off. A quick fix. We can see the future, that doesn't necessarily mean we’ll act on it. You can tell a smoker that smoking will kill them. That’s not going to stop them.”

“Yeah, I mean when I think about it, I don’t even recycle all the time. How can I expect someone else to do something that I’m not willing to do myself? And I say I care about the environment, but what? I just talk about it? Start to read a book that I’m never going to finish? get my information from an unreliable Instagram post? And then I have friends who care more than me. I can tell because they take action. I find that I'm equally impressed, motivated, and annoyed with them? How is that possible? They’re doing something that I say I care about, something that I want other people to do as well, but I’m going to be motivated AND annoyed because they’re doing it? Because they recycle or whatever it is? I guess I’m really just mad at myself.”

“You’re doing some great work, Madelyn. It takes clients years to be introspective in this way. Now, when we haven’t learned how to take responsibility for our feelings, we avoid them in major ways that all manifest in self-rejection. We make others responsible for our feelings, blaming them for our pain, similar to how initially you blamed the world for catching on fire. Would you agree with that? You know what I’m going to say don’t you?”

“Yeah”

“What?”

“I should say, ‘I prefer to recycle’ or ‘I prefer to take care of the environment’ instead of ‘I have to’.”

“Right because saying ‘I have to’ puts more pressure on you. Would you say you’re mad because you haven’t met the expectations you’ve set for yourself concerning the environment?”

“Yes”

“Aren’t we all guilty in one way or another of sleepwalking toward apocalypse? The soft-focus quality the smoke casts over life here seems to make this collective denial more acute. Smoke after all, is not fire. It’s not a flood. It doesn’t command your immediate attention or force you to flee. You can live with it, if less well. You get used to it.” (Klein 229)

“Yeah, you’re right. The environmental problem hasn't directly affected me yet, so I’m not taking it seriously, not as seriously as I know it should be taken. This is our home. It’s my future. Shouldn’t I care? I must not really care if I’m not actually doing anything about it. And then I think: it’s not just my future, it's my kid’s futures too (...if I’m even having kids). And if I’m not taking action because it doesn’t directly affect me, but I know it directly affects other people, then can I really even say I care about other people?

“Madelyn, you’re not responsible for other people. Slow down your thought. Why do you feel this way?”

“Sorry, this is only slightly related but-”

“That’s fine, go ahead.”

“In my AP Lit class in High School, my teacher gave us an assignment to write a stream of consciousness for thirty minutes (She actually made a joke about how I didn’t use a punctuation mark once throughout my entire paper), but I wrote about whether or not people are inherently evil or inherently good. I came to the conclusion that people are inherently selfish. I was thinking about the id and how--

that's the first part that’s formed right? The id?”

“Yes, that’s the foundation, it’s the primitive and instinctual part. And then there’s the superego and the ego.”

“Yeah, so I was thinking about the id and how I don’t think people are inherently good or bad, instead they're selfish. And I wrote about how if what someone wants coincides with what you want, then you’ll perceive them as “good”, but if what they want doesn’t align with what you want then you will think they are “evil”.”

“Can you tell me more about that?”

“That’s kind of what’s going on politically right now. I mean, a lot of its tribalism and wanting to belong to a group -- because all people want to belong to a group. And then there’s the whole thing of AI catering what information you see on the internet, so no one’s actually seeing fact, people see different realities, and truth doesn’t exist anymore. But even with all of that there’s the whole selfishness thing, right? Because we all see different information, but we don’t get that. It’s like ‘they must be getting the information that I get. How do they not care?’ And because of that we think the other side is selfish. I think that's what a lot of things really boil down to is being selfish. Gun laws for example. All these people are dying, there’s mass shootings, but these people still want their guns, they don't want to tighten gun restrictions, ‘how can they be so selfish? People are dying!’ And it’s just because we want different things. Because the Others would call people who want to restrict gun laws selfish too.”

“This gives you space to fit into your own reality. Are you trying to fit into other people’s versions of reality?”

“And then there’s my friend J. I thought he was good. For three years I put him under the category of good. And now he’s not. We were talking about the whole Black Lives Matter thing and fighting for equality and he said that ‘the Black Lives Matter movement was hypocritical because if they actually thought that black lives mattered, they would focus on black-on-black crime too’. Whi—

“What?!”

“Yeah...which, in my humble opinion, is fucking stupid. ‘Black lives matter’ isn’t a statement meant for black people. Black people already know that black lives matter, we’re black. That statement is for people who continuously show that they have no regard for black lives! And he kept laughing throughout the entire text conversation and I was like, bruh, I’m trying to have a conversation with you. It felt like I was talking to a brick wall. There was nothing I could say to make him hear me. But anyway, at a different point in the conversation he said “Black people have the same exact opportunities that I do. There’s nothing I can do that a black person couldn’t”. And I was so mad that he didn’t see the inequality. It was weird because it’s as if he thought we were so equal that he ended up promoting inequality. I was surprised. Like, wow… that's who this person really was? My perception of him changed and because of that my perception of myself changed. How did I not see it? Who am I, if these are the people I surround myself with? If I don’t know who I'm surrounded by do I even know myself? We are a product of our environment are we not?”

“It’s so easy to look back on yesterday and judge, but I generally believe that we do the best we can with what we have at any given moment. When that moment has passed, you have new knowledge. You aren’t the same. It’s not a fair judgment. You can let it go. It’s important to be able to differentiate yourself from others and learn who you are as an individual.

“So long as competitors believe the competition is fair, so long as no one has conclusive evidence that they were barred from succeeding by their origins or characteristics, then the competitors are inclined to believe, as well, that the resulting distribution of privileges must be fair too. In this unintended way, equality of opportunity ends up justifying severe inequalities of result. (Ordinary Virtues, 32)”

“He’s actually the same person who called me white. I mean, he definitely wasn’t the only one to call me white. But that’s annoying too. So, because I don’t fit a stereotype, I’m not black? Because when I look at my skin -- Surprise! It's black. And then I think what do people think black is anyway? Drugs and rap? Or being ratchet and uneducated? So, because I enunciate, I'm not black? Or because I don’t know every single rap song, I’m not black? Why do I have to constantly be tested to prove my identity? Why do some people have such a limited view on what it means to be black? They listen to more rap than me and smoke weed so they’re blacker than me? But they don’t believe in institutional racism? You’re blacker than me, but you don’t get nervous to wear a hoodie in public? I honestly didn't think racism still existed until my sophomore year of high school. And when I look back on it there were so many microaggressions that I didn’t even realize were microaggressions, like; ‘you talk white’ or ‘you don’t have a black nose’.”

“What instances made you feel white? Is there an instance that stands out more than others?”

“Wait. Sorry, I’ll get to that in a second, but even when I’m dating it causes me to think, do they actually like me for me or for who they think I am? Like, are they expecting some Jezebel, ratchet, city girl and then they’re disappointed when this ‘white’ girl shows up? Are they just fetishizing me? How do I know the difference?”

“That has to be difficult to deal with. I would advise you to listen to your intuition. More often than not you're right. You’ll be able to tell if someone truly cares about you”

“Yeah, you’re right.

And for the longest time I felt like I was less black because of it. Because I wear my hair straight. Or because I don’t lay my edges. Or because I watch more white comedians than black ones. There are just all these little things that make me feel like I don’t belong. Or I’m too different. Or, like I've said a million times, too black for the white people and too white for the black people.  And in High School I felt even more removed from my blackness. You know, I was friends with N, and he was such an activist, he really educated himself on the racial injustices in the world and made it his mission to bring awareness, to talk to people, to change the curriculum in our school and educate people. I loved that! It was so inspiring. I started to educate myself too. I was embarrassed to feel like racism didn’t exist before. But when I think about it, it’s just because I lived a privileged life. My parents really did everything they could to protect me from seeing certain things. It was being friends with N that actually made me realize what was happening in the world outside my bubble. And then of course everything with Treyvon Martin happened and I really realized how America was operating.”

But my thing is, N was doing the right thing right? But I wasn’t as invested in Activism as he was. I cared, I really did, but I wasn’t as mad as him and some of my other black friends. I didn’t make it my mission like they did. I felt less black because of it. Shouldn’t I be on their level? Why aren’t I? I care, but why don’t I care as much? I felt like something was wrong with me somehow? It made me feel even more alienated from my blackness.

I also had such a different approach than he did. N was angry...as he should be. But to me it just felt like he was yelling at the other students in our school. I really don’t even know how to talk about it. Say what's on your mind, right? Don't be complacent in times of injustice, but I felt like he was talking at everyone and not to them. How can you expect someone to listen to you if you're just coming to them with anger and hate? I know that if someone was yelling at me, I'd be even less likely to listen or to change. Right? Like when you feel attacked your first response isn’t to listen, it's to fight back.”

“For diversity to work, there must be a code of tacit mutual acceptance as well as a tacit code of welcome.”

“And black people are rightfully angry. I know that I should be angrier than I am. I’m definitely sad about the racial injustices and it makes me feel hopeless, but I haven’t transformed that into a means of motivation like others have. I get nervous to say this around other black people, because even if only in my head, it makes me feel more alienated. I’m not saying we should baby-sit racists, or excuse everyone from their “crimes”. But I also think there’s a huge difference between racist people and ignorant people. And in my opinion a lot of times people call others racist, when really, they're just ignorant. So, shouldn’t it be a conversation? I know a conversation isn’t the solution to everything. We’ve been talking for years and nothing’s happened yet, but I also feel like if you acknowledge the humanity in everyone, on both sides, that we’d be able to come together. I don’t think we should excuse everything or turn the other cheek, but it’s like the relationship advice you see on the internet: it’s not me against you, it's us against the problem. Some people definitely see it as us ‘us against the problem’, but I think most people see it as ‘me against you’.

Or on the other side I have friends that are republican. Me? I’m not, but that doesn't stop me from being friends with people who are. I was at dinner getting food w A and S. We were having a conversation about boys and of course I brought up C. I was talking to them about how he’s republican and immediately A and S made disgusted faces. Just because he’s republican? I get the connotation around it, and yes C is a cis white...boy. But just because he’s republican doesn’t mean he’s marching around Charlottesville with tiki torches. I get irritated because the same thing that we’re trying to dismantle is the same thing we’re perpetuating. I mean, you can’t generalize people. That’s what I don’t appreciate. I’m already dealing with black women being generalized as these hypersexual beings, and that’s not who I am, but because of my gender and skin color that’s how a lot of people perceive me. Even in my own speaking I actively try not to generalize. I make it a point to say ‘most people’, ‘the majority of the time’, ‘it's common for’, etc. I try not to put a large group of people into the same box, because it’s just not true. And this is less about C and more about people. Black people don’t like to be generalized as gangsters, or how not all Asians are engineers and doctors, not all brown people work in IT, and not all women want children. These are stereotypes that we’re trying to dismantle, but at the same time we’re fortifying stereotypes like all Republicans are racist. That’s just not true. Why is there more of an emphasis on what political party people are a part of and not on who this person actually is. You can separate the politics from the person. It was just frustrating because all they know about C is that he’s Republican and automatically you have a completed picture in your head about who this person is. Like do you see how insane that is? You’ve completely written off this person that you don’t know because of their political party. It’s very divisive and reductive.”

“No matter what others say, you’re still black. It’s important to set boundaries in your relationships and what you allow to be said to you. Think about who’s values fit those of your own. Understand that you know who you are. I’ve watched you grow tremendously in your boundary setting, and self-actualization in the past couple years. I think issues like these are going to continue to come up for you as you get healthier, but it’s a testament to how much you’ve grown and improved. It’s also really striking to hear a person of color speak on togetherness and being open minded when meeting people, especially when we’re in such polarizing times.”

 “Sorry, I’ll come back to this, but it makes me think of E. She was hanging out in my room one day and we wanted to watch a comedy, so I suggested a stand up. I told her that the comedian was either going to be a hit or a miss. She would either love him or hate him. She looked at the screen and said, “I don’t want to watch any white comedians”. And I mean, that’s fine. I didn’t necessarily care that she didn’t want to watch what I wanted to, but I was just kind of confused. Like, if it was a room full of white people instead and someone said ‘I don’t want to watch any black comedians’, would that be a problem? Because I think E would be pretty upset if she heard that. But it’s okay for her to do it? Okay. Or even back in high school N and M would make fun of white people's names saying, ‘oh no Connor and Tanner went to meet Wyatt at Vineyard Vines, but they were out of fleeces’. And apparently that’s okay, but if you were making fun of black names like DeShawn, Tyrone, Jaquan , or Jamal, it would be a problem. And I get it. Black people have been dehumanized and disadvantaged. So, I’m not saying that making fun of white names is equal to or worse than making fun of black names, but you should practice what you preach. Like if you want your kids to watch less TV and read more, then as a parent you should watch less TV and read more, because people do what they see not what they’re told. Basically, hold yourself to the same standard you hold other people to.

And back to what I was saying before about false generalizations, I feel the same way about ACAB (All Cops are Bad). Again, that’s not true. There are police officers that chose this field to actually instill change, to better their communities, and to help people feel safe. Now the bystander effect is really real, like I said before, don't be complacent in times of injustice, but just because someone is a cop doesn’t mean they’re bad. How is saying ACAB any different from saying all Muslims are terrorists, all fat people are lazy, all Christians are sexist and homophobic, all women are crazy, or all men are trash.

The whole idea of writing people off because of their political party or saying all cops are bad shows how polarized we are. I know you already know that, I mean, it’s all over the news, but I feel like despite how we all grew up or the prejudices that we all have, on some level, we should be able to realize that we have more in common than we don’t. We all want the same things, don’t we? We just go about it differently. Who here, and by here, I mean Earth, doesn’t want to be loved, or understood, or accepted, or safe, or happy, or to have a community? I guess what I’m really talking about is empathy. Empathy for ourselves, our planet, for each other. I want people to want to understand each other. To acknowledge the intrinsic value of people. And obviously we’re going to disagree, and those disagreements are valuable, but the important part to remember is that we must disagree productively. It’s much easier to attack the person making the argument rather than the argument itself, but we start to disagree productively when we separate the ideas from the identity of the person discussing them. You know I feel like if we want to reach people it can’t be me against you, we need to switch the scope of the tribe. We need to stop looking at ‘others’ as an entity to destroy, but instead see them as people who were raised to think very differently than you. Because that’s what it boils down to. If you had different parents or maybe even grew up a couple zip codes over, or went to one school instead of another, your ideals, your prejudices, your beliefs, and even your perception of yourself could be so completely different.

 Like John Locke and Tabula Rasa, we were all blank slates at some point. Any one of us could have grown up to become one of the people we ‘hate’ if our nature and nurture were different, even if only slightly. That's why it’s important to get to know people as more than just a representative of a demographic.  To do this we need empathy. It’s integral to this process. Empathy is a key ingredient in getting tough conversations off the ground. However, empathy is not endorsement, it’s also not a prescription for activism. But I really think that if we want to make progress, true, lasting progress, we need to come together, we need to work together, we need to respect each other, and we need to understand that every single one of us has just as much depth, complexity, and value as you do.”